Family Dynamics

Wisdom in dealing with the family you came from means that you accept the motives within the people who raised you and that the people with whom you were raised. Good, bad or indifferent.

This can mean having the right boundaries. For some people it means that you accept that they have your best interest at heart, yet might not understand your goals and outcomes.

For others it means that the parents have truly been where you are going and have shortcuts and secrets you find helpful.

Other people have a situation in which the parents or siblings are well meaning, but have very bad insight, experiences or skill set.

Sometimes the family has bad intentions. This is sad but true.  So family can be a source of what to do in life. Family can also be a source of what not to do. For some of us we need to learn that we can love people who have a lifestyle and insights that are very different from the ones we need to use in our adult life.

We don’t really know what the family of the people we meet is or was like. What we do know is there are several pieces of insight necessary to manage your own relationship with your family.

Know they may accidentally always see you as a kid or teenager and you cannot afford to do that to yourself.

Know that you need to take responsibility for your own development, choices, and dreams. Know that you need to manage the boundary with your parents as an adult or they will always think they are either using you to brag on or saving you, that is just what tends to happen if you don’t manage boundaries.

If your parents use you as surrogate friends keep in mind that they need friends outside the family. This happens a lot with parents who fight and are looking for the kids to sympathize or pick sides.

Your self esteem comes partially from going through being dependent, then independent and at that time becoming good at boundaries while doing teamwork. You cannot do that if you don’t have a boundary with the family because you always see yourself in the role of daughter, son, brother, sister rather than your independent self.

Loving your family includes your right to keep your boundaries as an adult. It is easier to stay positive about people when they are not encroaching on your romances, decision making, and schedule through guilt.

Side Note. Many people keep projecting motives and actions on their parents that are idealized or made to seem bad in a very black and white way. That would mean that the person is projecting and not taking in the real world in front of them.